Perhaps it is the melancholy brought on by too little sleep, and too little food, that has brought me back here, or the rain. It has been sunny lately and warm, yet while I hoped the cloudless days would stretch into June, the rain was bound to return. Not even the number on the scale brought me too much cheer, even though it’s the lowest it’s been since February. While that should make me hopeful that perhaps I’ll easily return to my 2011 weight, I am not. The struggle of eating clean while part of a family that doesn’t is more than I feel I can overcome. Though I will keep struggling, even though I feel as though I am swimming upsteam. There are so many times I just want to give in…to let myself relax and ride the current without having to always fight.
Lying in bed this morning I had that familiar urge to speak to my mother. It hits me like that sometime when life seems too much for me to handle on my own, but that helplessness is quickly shadowed by the longing and depravity I feel with her absence. She was and always is the one person I could talk to without worrying that she would judge me or my situation or those in my life. She would just let me talk, without a lot of advice, but so much compassion.
Plan B? Drive to the beach. With gas prices at $4.25 though, that is a foolish thought.
Plan C? Go to the gym. Over the past several years the gym was my refuge. It gave me what my mother gave me…peace. An hour of mindlessness where the cares of the world were pushed aside by the repetitive and focused concentration of a heavy lift. I want to load up the leg press machine with 450# and give it my all time and time again. I want to squat with a heavy bar across my shoulders until I am afraid with one more rep I will not be able to rise. I want to sprint until I can’t breathe, walk to catch my breath, and sprint again, until all the uncertainty and doubt and fear is sweated from my body and mind.
But I’ll do none of those things. I won’t run. I’ll look up old friends online and wonder if I ever cross their mind. I’ll fix something for lunch that probably won’t be as healthy as it should be. I’ll face by life head on.
Or I’ll head back to bed and let the rain hitting the roof lull me to sleep.